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"Special" Effects
2007-05-01 01:04:00
Ethan and I, smoking cigars, watch 'the dailies' with great interest. "Rumsfeld is killing Osama?" he asks. "I thought Cheney killed Osama about twenty minutes ago." "No, that was Saddam. Remember the mustache?" "No, that was Chemical Ali." "No, Chemical Ali was killed by Ann Coulter." "I'm confused." "Remember, when Cheney and Limbaugh had to hook south at the Anthrax factory? Rush, the team medic, told her he had something she could take that would let her take six or seven more direct mortar hits. Then Chemical Ali attacks them, and Anne rips out all eight of his arms and pushes him over the cliff?" I sigh. "I agree. This edit seems a little disjointed. Maybe it was a bad idea to have Cobe play all the bad guys after all." "Cobe just doesn't seem to have any acting range whatsoever," Ethan observes. "Vince!" I yell up at the projection booth. "Play the opening sequence." I settle back in. "Still Ethan, you're gonna love...
Chiefly Speaking
2007-04-29 23:31:00
George Bush Junior, clutching a fire hydrant, was begging. "Please don't do this anymore. I'll do anything!" "George," says the guy in the Nixon mask. "Join me, and together we shall rule the galaxy." "Shit, I'd join you if you just took me to Dennys!" "You have no idea the power of the Dark Side." "Look, asshole. I already said I would join you." Bush gets up, walks to the mysterious stranger's car, climbs in the passenger side and slams the door. Rolling down the electric window, he yells, "This is the maximum level of joining you." "George," says the masked stranger. "I am your father." Suddenly, the Nixon mask comes off, and it's George Bush Senior! "Oh yeah Dad," says George Junior tiredly from the car. "Like that bit didn't get old the first time you did it. What was I, eight then? Huh Dad? I'm thirty-five now. I'm in college fer Chrissake. Plus I think I'm a goddamn member of Congress or something like that." Sulkily,...
Let Freedom Scream
2007-04-29 17:37:00
"Alright Newt," I says. "Lets go over this scene once more." "I'm standing right here," says Newt. "I don't think you need the megaphone." "Look Newt," I says frustrated. "This ain't Capitol Hill. I handle all the censorship around here. Now in this scene, you jump off of the fourth story, somersault gracefully to the ground by virtue of this crane and harness, and kick the crap out of six insurgents." Newt pulls on the harness nervously. "Are you sure this thing is safe?" "It's all physics, baby," I says walking back to my chair. "As long as you're exactly 180 pounds like it says on your driver's license, you're as safe as if in your mother's arms. Now the second you here the 'All Clear' safety bell, jump." A bell rang, and Newt jumped. The crane buckled, and what followed was a scene of catastrophic mechanical failure. The bell rang again. Exasperated, I answered my cell phone. "Hello? Oh hi Mom. Listen I can't talk right...
The Best Laid Mice of Plans and Men
2007-04-28 23:23:00
"The idea," says Ethan touring me through the studio, "is simply that if the media is responsible for the state of current affairs-" We enter a room where Donald Rumsfeld, shirtless with an M-60 and bandoliers, is shooting six Al Qaeda guys while rifle-butting another and rescuing a puppy. "-that we can end the end the war the same way," Ethan finishes. Donald 'tucks and rolls' into an adjacent set, where he delivers an Iraqi baby waving a tiny American flag, all the while ducking gunfire and lobbing potent hand grenades. "Okay," I says. "But I don't see where I come in." "LOBO," sighs Ethan. "I want you to film Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld getting pissed off and flying to Iraq, and ending the war once and for all. Personally." "I like the name 'Gen. David H. Petraeus' too. It sounds kinda Latin. Biblical. Greek even. 'Petraeus' almost sounds Roman, and even after all these centuries the Romans are still kicking ass. Shit, you can't m...
Australia
2007-04-28 22:16:00
"I left you guys," says Ethan tersely, "on a teambuilding exercise. For two weeks. And you have burned my entire empire to the ground." "There's always the rubble," I says. "You burned the rubble down!" "Well, you can't say I'm not thorough." "Well, I really appreciate it," says Ethan. "Now Babs doesn't get shit." "So you're okay with having lost $470,005,058.05 as long as Babs didn't get anything?" "Oh yeah." "So we're cool?" "Shit, as soon as I get some money, I'm giving you a raise!" "Well," I says. "It had better be substantial. You have no idea how traumatizing this has all been." "We got a military contract," says Ethan. "$150,000,000,000. The first year." "Ethan, I don't think I'm up for pissing off other countries anymore. Do you know it's a Class X felony for a woman to have sex with me in Australia now?" "I told you Australia existed." "I know. And now I want to have sex there in the worst way!" "The last thin...
White Power
2007-04-28 08:00:00
Well, being in jail is by no means fun; nonetheless, when I found out I was in jail with Richard Gere, I was thrilled. Richard Gere, star of such brutal fight scenes such as the ones in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Pretty Woman', was right the fuck here sharing a holding cell with me! I immediately start talking trash. Dice, Tic Tock, and Shiv weren’t too impressed at first, but when I told ‘em all they was 'so ugly they hadda fake orgasms while masturbating', they had a huddle. Dice: “Yo man, these are either the dumbest white men on Earth, or maybe they’re just crazy.” Tic Tock: “Yeah, dude just said Tom Wopat was the Antichrist. Who the fuck is Tom Wopat?” Shiv: “Wasn’t that one cracker that dude in Pretty Woman?” “That’s right!” I exclaim. “And if I give the word, Richard will pull your tongues through your keysters!” I stare at them crazily. “What you dogs doin time for?” says Tic Tock. “Tell ‘im Richard...
Internet Swag
2007-04-27 18:19:00
Predator Press
Viscosity
2007-04-27 04:29:00
“You know,” I says, pushing my plate away. “I was a little disappointed with the fettuccini.” “Really,” says Sapphire. “Am I supposed to think you are classy because you are pointing out flaws at something you invited me to?” she giggles. “I suppose you cook?” “I’ll cut you a deal,” I says. “I’ll handle the macaroni and cheese. No matter what you decide to make, I’m doing the mac and cheese.” “Oh thank God,” Sapphire laughs. “Until we get married,” I add. “When we get married, you’ll be pretty fucked as far as pasta is concerned.” "So then we'll eat, what, leaves and berries?" "If you're lucky," I says frowning. "Look, I know your 'affiliation' with LOBO--" "Well, it's funny that you mention that," she says. "Because LOBO needs to post Bail."
Perfectly Legal
2007-04-25 03:08:00
"I'm serious," I says. "I've got his contract right here!" 1) Don't be a Dick = 50% Gilmore's Score: -50% 2) Never Say 'LOBO is Too Busy' for Free Meals = 21% Gilmore's Score: 21%, + 6% bonus for timeliness 3) No Fat Chicks = 20% Gilmore's Score: 20% 4) Never Kill Ethan = 9% Gilmore's Score: -9%, + 6% bonus for timeliness Net Total = Fuck Gilmore. "It's all perfectly legal," I insist.
Scar Tissue
2007-04-21 23:27:00
“Look,” says Gilmore, stuffing the bloody tissue against his nose. “I did the right thing. If, in fact, Babs has anything to do with this, somebody should have been ‘engaged’ in what is going on.” “How do we know your loyalty isn’t with her?” says Sapphire. Maybe it was the adrenaline of the fight --I don't know-- but the next thing out of my mouth was, “What the fuck do you know about loyalty?” Sapphire's eyes flashed dangerously. “Excuse me?” she blinked. “What was that disappearing act over Winter Break all about? I thought we were getting pretty tight. Then boom. You didn’t even send me a Christmas Card.” “You took a hooker to Christmas Mass from what I heard.” “Don't blame me if there's no 'Saving' her."
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